It's not a remake, it's not a sequel, and it's not based on a Japanese one. Old school American horror.

The above title is the tagline for Hatchet, a 2007 horror movie by fledgling director Adam Green (No, not the Mouldy Peaches bloke).

It tells the horror-style legendary tale of Victor Crowley (played by Kane Hodder, god of horror, aka Jason) haunting the swamps of Louisianna. Insert teenage males, hot girls, and thick elderly folk to make this a horror movie.

40 minutes in, having read reviews, I was genuinelly stumped as to how it made positive top 10 lists, won awards (granted at horror festivals) and had multiple sell-out screenings. All in Europe, I might add, it was denied an American release due to gore. (To quote Adam Green as to why it finally got released in the US: "Someone can only get hit with a hatchet a certain number of times. It was thirteen times that he got chopped before; now it’s three")

It starts appallingly, with a few funny one-liners from the quirky black friend of the emo boy who's just split up with his girlfriend so reckons a ghost tour might help (You know, that staple archetype in horror movies). It has plenty tits to count as American horror, as J-horror has too many scary little girls in to warrant the presenting of baps. I feel I should complain about the obvious characters, but the acting isn't all that bad, not as bad as some general release horrors *cough*Jessica Alba*cough*. Deon Richmond, of Scream and 'I'm the token black guy at this party' in Not Another Teen Movie, puts in a really good performance, and Tamara Feldmen plays the outsider girl that doesn't get topless rather well.

Now lets talk about what I was watching it for, the brutal murders. They are all AWESOME. There are some staple sharp-impliment-to-the-bonce deaths but some absolutely outstanding ideas for how to kill people. I won't ruin them as I expect anyone reading this who likes horror to go out and watch this. (It's reasonably easy to get on torrent, but it's not the uncut version). Some had me absolutely cringing and turning away from the screen, the special effects were tremendous at times, and the make-up was rather gory.

It totally turns itself around once the killings start happening, it cuts the topless/punchy dialogue bullshit and starts getting pretty scary, pretty gruesome, and everything you'd want in a horror. And the beginning is long-winded, but it has enough decent gags, and boobs, to keep you watching (watch for Marcus's response to Ben claiming the boat trip is fun, I was crying laughing).

Hatchet; Old School American Horror, it is; the best horror I've seen in ages, it is not.
I haven't reviewed [REC] but I couldn't do it justice. WATCH IT.